{"id":2695,"date":"2021-08-07T19:27:21","date_gmt":"2021-08-08T02:27:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2695"},"modified":"2021-08-07T19:27:25","modified_gmt":"2021-08-08T02:27:25","slug":"if-you-thought-race-walking-could-not-suffer-any-more-humiliation-guess-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2695","title":{"rendered":"If You Thought Race Walking Could Not Suffer Any More Humiliation, Guess Again"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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The decision shocked sports fans.\u00a0 In a surprise move, the Olympic Committee just announced it will terminate the event that spectators most eagerly wait every four years to ridicule \u2013 Race Walking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The US media\nreacted in contradicting fashion.  The\nNew York Times published the photograph above to document the dignity and grace\nof this embattled sport.  The evil Fox\nNews took out the long knives.  Here is how\nit began its article announcing the decision:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you\u2019ve\never witnessed a person with a full bladder beeline his or her way to a\nbathroom 50 feet away, you\u2019re familiar with the Olympic sport of race walking.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This a true quote.\u00a0 I swear I didn\u2019t make it up.\u00a0 Here is proof I didn\u2019t make it up: I’m just not that funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No longer\nwill fans sit in rapt attention as they bear witness to dozens of elite\ncompetitors from around world, well\u2026 walking<\/em>.  But walking VERY FAST!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know what you\u2019re thinking: Why couldn\u2019t the Olympic Committee just cancel the Trampoline event?\u00a0 It only started in 2000.\u00a0 Race walking has been around since 1932!\u00a0 Think of all the lives we\u2019d save!\u00a0 All those kids watching the Olympic Trampoline event and then running to their backyards to jump on their Walmart trampolines and breaking their necks? It would cut the number of quadriplegics in half!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course,\neveryone is now asking the same question: How will this affect merchandise\nsales?  The jerseys?  The jackets? \nThe caps?  The combined impact of\nthe Olympic Committee\u2019s decision to retailers around the world will result in the\nloss of literally DOZENS of sales.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, I\u2019ll stop being such a jerk about this for a moment and speak to you from the heart. I\u2019m an older man.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got a bladder the size of a walnut.\u00a0 Who more than I should appreciate the lightning quick speed of someone who can zip from his hurriedly parked car to a highway rest stop urinal?\u00a0 With every passing year, my race walking has improved dramatically. I might have actually qualified for this event at the next Olympics.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I\u2019m really<\/em> trying to say, is that the Olympic Committee\u2019s decision to terminate this event has dashed any hope I had of finally \u201cbringing home the gold.\u201d\u00a0 Well, unless I go ahead and buy that Walmart trampoline. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The decision shocked sports fans.\u00a0 In a surprise move, the Olympic Committee just announced it will terminate the event that spectators most eagerly wait every four years to ridicule \u2013 Race Walking. The US media reacted in contradicting fashion.  The New York Times published the photograph above to document the dignity and grace of this […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2697,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[1020,1019],"class_list":["post-2695","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-olympic-games-humor","tag-race-walking-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Race-Walking.png?fit=1629%2C1366","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2695","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2695"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2695\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2706,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2695\/revisions\/2706"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2697"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2695"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2695"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2695"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}