{"id":2662,"date":"2021-08-05T17:31:19","date_gmt":"2021-08-06T00:31:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2662"},"modified":"2021-08-05T17:31:23","modified_gmt":"2021-08-06T00:31:23","slug":"the-first-rule-of-self-installing-laminate-flooring-do-not-self-install-laminate-flooring","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2662","title":{"rendered":"The First Rule of Self-Installing Laminate Flooring: Do Not Self-Install Laminate Flooring!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The last\nthing I want to do is decimate the entire DYI home improvement industry.  So, I feel compelled to clarify the title of\nthis column.  It should read, \u201cDo not\nself-install laminate flooring UNLESS you a licensed professional contractor\nwith decades of experience specializing in installing laminate flooring.\u201d  There, I feel better now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately,\nI <\/em><\/strong>decided to self-install my laminate flooring.  Here are a few tips I learned as a result of\nthis enormous mistake –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #1: Installing\nflooring is a young man\u2019s game.  If\nyou\u2019re older than 16, forget it.  There\nis one exception to this rule: If you are under 25, exercise three to four times\na day and regularly compete in triathlons, go for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #2: I am\nprobably being too kind to myself here, but I\u2019ll throw out this number – I\u2019m\nroughly 20 pounds overweight.  So, each\ntime I climb up off the floor, it\u2019s like someone put a 10-pound bag of sugar on\neach of my shoulders before I stand up. \n(The good news is that during the installation process, you\u2019ll only have\nto climb up off the floor about one million times.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #3: Buy\na pair of the best knee pads you can find. \nIf a division of the Rolex company makes knee pads, take out a bank loan\nand buy a pair.  If they cost $10,000, they\u2019re\na bargain.  I\u2019m not kidding.  Kneel down on a hard floor without knee pads and\nscoot around for thirty seconds.  You\u2019ll\nbe reeling<\/em> in pain.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #4: Give\nup now.  Do not consider, even for\nanother moment, continuing down this tragic path.  Heed my words!  I\u2019m speaking to you from the future!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sadly, no one gave ME this golden advice. The good news is that I only had to spend eight days crawling around on my knees. The added good news is that I only shaved 10 to 12 years off my life. On the bright side, I do get the self-satisfaction of admiring all the mistakes I made along the way. Mistakes that shine up like beacons to me from every vantage point in the house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you do proceed\nwith your ill-conceived plan, and you manage to navigate the painful path to\nself-installing your new laminate flooring, yet another daunting challenge\nawaits – Self-installing the floor trim<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m speaking\nfrom the heart here, people.  Let me pass\nalong the first step to self-installing your floor trim:  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do NOT self-install\nyour floor trim!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The last thing I want to do is decimate the entire DYI home improvement industry.  So, I feel compelled to clarify the title of this column.  It should read, \u201cDo not self-install laminate flooring UNLESS you a licensed professional contractor with decades of experience specializing in installing laminate flooring.\u201d  There, I feel better now. Unfortunately, […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2664,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[1014,1015],"class_list":["post-2662","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-do-it-yourself-humor","tag-laminate-flooring-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Laminate-Flooring-Example.jpeg?fit=3607%2C3024","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2662","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2662"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2662\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2694,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2662\/revisions\/2694"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2664"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2662"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2662"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2662"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}