{"id":2652,"date":"2021-05-29T18:04:01","date_gmt":"2021-05-30T01:04:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2652"},"modified":"2021-05-29T18:04:05","modified_gmt":"2021-05-30T01:04:05","slug":"nothing-says-society-is-reopening-quite-like-a-bite-on-the-ass-by-an-unsocialized-pandemic-puppy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=2652","title":{"rendered":"Nothing Says Society is Reopening Quite Like a Bite on the Ass by an Unsocialized “Pandemic Puppy”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Things are finally opening up!\u00a0 We can resume our lives!\u00a0 We can stroll through shops.\u00a0 We can host cocktail parties.\u00a0 And, most refreshingly, we can flee from all the \u201cpandemic puppies\u201d who\u2019ve been raised in isolation.\u00a0 Puppies who have developed all the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know much about training puppies.\u00a0 What little I know I learned from Cesar Millan\u2019s book, Cesar\u2019s Way<\/em>.\u00a0 I read it cover to cover, and I came away from it convinced of one thing: There\u2019s a real possibility that Cesar is actually a dog. Okay, what I really<\/em> learned was that the best thing you can do for a puppy is to let him meet as many people as possible.\u00a0 Take him to the park.\u00a0 Let people fawn all over him.\u00a0 Introduce him to everyone you know.\u00a0 Even people who do not want to meet him, people who hate dogs, people who are allergic to dogs.\u00a0 Especially<\/em>, people who are allergic to dogs.\u00a0 (Just kidding \u2013 do NOT introduce him to people who are allergic to dogs, only people who hate dogs.) \u00a0(Just kidding, again! \u2013 A little canine humor.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These pandemic puppies have NOT been fawned over by hordes of dog lovers.\u00a0 They have not been paraded about town to meet friends, relatives and unwilling strangers.\u00a0 Let\u2019s put it this way, remember that old movie from the 70\u2019s about the \u201cBubble Boy\u201d who couldn\u2019t have human contact because he lacked an immune system?\u00a0 Well, Bubble Boy was practically a socialite compared to these pandemic puppies.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My daughter got a pandemic puppy. \u00a0His name is Melvin.\u00a0 That\u2019s him holding the ball in the picture.\u00a0 Melvin spent the first six months of his life growling at anyone who that the temerity to walk past her apartment.\u00a0 Melvin developed all the warm and welcoming qualities one might expect from your average wildebeest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I were a doctor who really wanted to cash in on my four years of medical school where I spent 16 hours a day learning how to listen to pharmaceutical representatives tell me what pills to prescribe, I would immediately open a dog bite reconstructive surgery clinic.\u00a0 (I\u2019m not even kidding. Brace yourself. It’s going to be Dog Bite City all over this country.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point I\u2019m trying to make is that if you spot one of these adorable puppies walking down the street and think for even a moment about bending down to pet it, stop and ask yourself how much you really value the first two digits of your index finger.\u00a0 Unless, of course, your name is Cesar Millan.\u00a0 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Things are finally opening up!\u00a0 We can resume our lives!\u00a0 We can stroll through shops.\u00a0 We can host cocktail parties.\u00a0 And, most refreshingly, we can flee from all the \u201cpandemic puppies\u201d who\u2019ve been raised in isolation.\u00a0 Puppies who have developed all the social skills of Jeffrey Dahmer.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know much about training puppies.\u00a0 What […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2653,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2],"tags":[1012,1013],"class_list":["post-2652","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-pandemic-puppy","tag-quarantine-puppy"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Melvin-with-Ball.jpeg?fit=1856%2C1556","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2652","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2652"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2661,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2652\/revisions\/2661"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2653"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}