{"id":1900,"date":"2020-02-01T08:19:50","date_gmt":"2020-02-01T16:19:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1900"},"modified":"2020-02-01T08:19:59","modified_gmt":"2020-02-01T16:19:59","slug":"the-greatest-vomit-story-ever-told","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/?p=1900","title":{"rendered":"The Greatest Vomit Story Ever Told!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Official Disclaimer: Not the ACTUAL Fish that Swallowed Jonah<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

WARNING<\/strong>: I am not a certified<\/em> Bible\nHistorian.  But I DO know my way around a\nstone tablet.  In fact, one of my claims to\nfame is that I read the entire Idiot\u2019s Guide to the Bible<\/em><\/strong>.  (Seriously, I have).  When I mentioned this to my minister, he got\none of those sour looks on this face like he just ate a rotten peanut M&M.  It was clearly not on his seminary\u2019s required\nreading list.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately\nfor you, my loyal readers, I have never let my ignorance on a topic stop me\nfrom offering my expert opinion, and I certainly have no intention of doing so\nnow.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My church is\ndoing a sermon series on the Book of Jonah. \nFor the purposes of this column, I will refer to the name of my church\nas \u201cGrace,\u201d because its real name is Grace Community Fellowship, located at 989\nCountry Club Road in Eugene, Oregon, 97401.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are\ntwo things I love about the Book of Jonah \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, it\u2019s\nnot a book.  It\u2019s about the length of a People\nMagazine article on the benefits of Botox. \nThe only thing shorter in the Bible than the Book of Jonah is the\ndisclaimer on the inside cover that warns eager readers not to attempt to part\nthe Red Sea at home.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, it\ncontains one the greatest verses in the entire Bible.  Here it is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd the\nLord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m quoting\nthe King James version so I can throw in the \u201cspake unto\u201d part.  That\u2019s what we call \u201cicing on the (vomit)\ncake.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t want\nto spoil it for you, in case you attend a church that is sinfully<\/em> NOT\ncurrently studying Jonah.  Suffice it to\nsay, however, that after three days in that fish, Jonah couldn\u2019t have been\nhappier to get vomited.  In fact, getting\nvomited was probably one of the best days of his life.  He probably remembered it fondly.  Perhaps even called it \u201cV-Day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Picture it \u2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jonah\u2019s\ngrandson, sitting at his grandfather\u2019s knee, \u201cGrandpa, tell me a story from when\nyou were young.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grandpa\nJonah, \u201cHave you eaten dinner yet, kid?  Maybe\nwe should wait.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, that\u2019s my Bible lesson for today.\u00a0 In my expert opinion, the vomit verse is perhaps the most vivid (and certainly the most fun) verse in the entire Bible.\u00a0 And I should know.\u00a0 Remember, I\u2019ve read the entire<\/em> Idiot\u2019s Guide to the Bible<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earn good\nkarma!  Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other\nfavorite apps.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And Subscribe!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s free and easy,\nand each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a Three\nMinute Vacation for your Brain<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

______________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also-<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Check out these great\nbooks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Lawyer\u2019s\nSong: Navigating the legal wilderness<\/em><\/strong> \u2013<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2K41Tax<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Rules for\nthe College Playground –<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2IqXxgn<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven Secrets You\nNeed to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/buff.ly\/2roFIov<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WARNING: I am not a certified Bible Historian.  But I DO know my way around a stone tablet.  In fact, one of my claims to fame is that I read the entire Idiot\u2019s Guide to the Bible.  (Seriously, I have).  When I mentioned this to my minister, he got one of those sour looks on […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1901,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[857,858,860,859],"class_list":["post-1900","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor","tag-bible-humor","tag-jonah-humor","tag-old-testament-humor","tag-vomit-humor"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jocularious.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/Big-Goldfish.jpeg?fit=1686%2C881","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1900","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1900"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1900\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1909,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1900\/revisions\/1909"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1901"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1900"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1900"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jocularious.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1900"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}