Famous writers use “literary devices” such as metaphors, similes and foreshadowing. I use literary devices too, the most common one I use is referred to in professional writing circles as – “a lie.” But when I incorporate a lie into one of my stories, accuracy is very important to me.
I will not, however, need to use my “go to” literary device in this column. This is because the fact that Hitler ate a vegetarian diet, especially during his final, and most insane years, is well-established. (Google it if you don’t believe me.)
But please note this very important point: I’m not saying that if YOU are a vegetarian, that you are necessarily a maniacal, racist, mass murdering cesspool of pure evil. I just saying you might be. No. No. Just kidding! You’re probably not half as bad as Hitler. Just kidding again! You’re probably a vegetarian for a well-meaning reason. You want to help save the planet, or live a healthy lifestyle, or because animals are “sentient beings,” or possibly because you love Hitler. But it’s time to stop with all the finger pointing.
I live in a city that, to say the least, is vegetarian and vegan friendly – the People’s Republic of Eugene. Tofu is to Eugene what steaks are to Omaha. I would even say tofu is Eugenians’ lifeblood, but it would have to be “Tof-blood” – the Tofurky of blood.
Faithful subscribers may recall the two months I spent as a vegan. I dropped out of the vegan club for the same reason many people quit weird diets – a sudden impulse to begin cataloging and counting their “essential protein and mineral” intake. I had never given two hoots about how many grams of protein I ate per day on my standard diet of fast-food breakfast sandwiches, candy bars and daily pastas. Not one thought. I was too busy devouring anything that got within arm’s reach. HOWEVER, once I had declared I was a vegan, I suddenly began obsessing of over how many grams of protein my body needed per day to be healthy. As if substituting a green salad for a Sausage McMuffin placed me in extreme dietary danger. I finally quit that dangerous vegan diet of vegetables and went back to a safer diet of subway sandwiches and pizza. (Look – What do you think I am, a daredevil?)
In short, in the midst of my vegan “food journey,” I finally saw the light.
So, here’s the “take-away” from all this:
You can compare me to an overweight sloth. You can compare me to vertical beluga whale. But, at least, you cannot compare me to Hitler.
WAIT! You’re not done yet. Earn good karma! Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.
It’s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.
It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.
Check out these great books:
The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness –
Seven Rules for the College Playground –
Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –