Apr 272019

Famous writers use “literary devices” such as metaphors, similes and foreshadowing.  I use literary devices too, the most common one I use is referred to in professional writing circles as – “a lie.”  But when I incorporate a lie into one of my stories, accuracy is very important to me. 

I will not, however, need to use my “go to” literary device in this column.  This is because the fact that Hitler ate a vegetarian diet, especially during his final, and most insane years, is well-established.  (Google it if you don’t believe me.)

But please note this very important point: I’m not saying that if YOU are a vegetarian, that you are necessarily a maniacal, racist, mass murdering cesspool of pure evil.  I just saying you might be.  No.  No. Just kidding!  You’re probably not half as bad as Hitler.  Just kidding again!  You’re probably a vegetarian for a well-meaning reason.  You want to help save the planet, or live a healthy lifestyle, or because animals are “sentient beings,” or possibly because you love Hitler.  But it’s time to stop with all the finger pointing.

I live in a city that, to say the least, is vegetarian and vegan friendly – the People’s Republic of Eugene.   Tofu is to Eugene what steaks are to Omaha.  I would even say tofu is Eugenians’ lifeblood, but it would have to be “Tof-blood” – the Tofurky of blood. 

Faithful subscribers may recall the two months I spent as a vegan.  I dropped out of the vegan club for the same reason many people quit weird diets – a sudden impulse to begin cataloging and counting their “essential protein and mineral” intake.  I had never given two hoots about how many grams of protein I ate per day on my standard diet of fast-food breakfast sandwiches, candy bars and daily pastas.  Not one thought.  I was too busy devouring anything that got within arm’s reach.  HOWEVER, once I had declared I was a vegan, I suddenly began obsessing of over how many grams of protein my body needed per day to be healthy.  As if substituting a green salad for a Sausage McMuffin placed me in extreme dietary danger.  I finally quit that dangerous vegan diet of vegetables and went back to a safer diet of subway sandwiches and pizza.  (Look – What do you think I am, a daredevil?)

In short, in the midst of my vegan “food journey,” I finally saw the light. 

So, here’s the “take-away” from all this:

You can compare me to an overweight sloth.  You can compare me to vertical beluga whale.  But, at least, you cannot compare me to Hitler.


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