My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered

Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered.  What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.”  My brain added the “to get murdered” part.  There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.”  I am a non-vacation person.  So, I was immediately irritated that I had […]

Scientists Announce Amazing New Diet Called: “Stop eating like a pig!”

After a new “double-blind” study, scientists have announced that their “control group” of individuals who did not “eat like a pig,” lost significantly greater weight than the, “ate like a pig” group (who actually gained 7% over the three-month study). This announcement has already sparked intense controversy in the food industry.  Scientists from Nabisco, Kellogg’s, […]

There’s Nothing Like Having Your Chair Collapse at a Restaurant to Make You Take a Hard Look in the Mirror

I consider myself overweight, but I do not consider myself “fat.”  I suffer from the same psychological affliction as drivers who travel 8 mph over the speed limit who look with distrain at those maniacs going 12 mph over the limit. That was until last night, when my world came crashing down – along with […]

I Just Kicked a Woman Out of the Men’s Bathroom, Only It Wasn’t the Men’s Bathroom

I just kicked a woman and her two young children out of the men’s bathroom at the Fred Meyer’s Department Store in downtown Portland.  Only… it wasn’t the men’s bathroom. Because I can’t blame myself, I’ll blame the store for its poor bathroom labeling practices.  (I should sue them.) Here’s how the whole thing went […]

If You’re Alarmed By The Millions Of Tons Of Carbon Released Every Day In India and China By All Those Smoke Spewing Jalopies, Relax, I Just Bought An E-Bike

If you’re someone concerned about global warming, I’ve got good news.  You know all those millions of three-wheeled jalopies spewing plumes of black smoke into the air each day?  Zillions of them?  Throughout Asia? Pouring millions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere.  You can stop worrying! I bought an e-bike! What I’m trying to […]

I’ve Decided To Start Using The Word “Adroit” To Make People Think I’m Smarter Than I Am

I just watched Shark Tank, and someone used the word “adroit.”  The word caught my attention.  I immediately stopped trying to confabulate some contraption to appear on Shark Tank and make my fortune.  I thought to myself, ‘I need to start using that word.  It’ll make me sound smart.’ So, that’s my new plan.  First, […]