Three Secrets to Successfully Confronting an Ugly Baby

 Humor  Comments Off on Three Secrets to Successfully Confronting an Ugly Baby
Mar 202014
 

I have never served in the military.  I have never experienced the nightmare of fighting for my life in hand-to-hand combat.  But I have experienced my share of struggles.  Not of the least among them is the unspeakable horror of confronting an over-exuberant parent brandishing an ugly baby.  Okay, save the lecture.  Yes, I know every baby is precious, sweet, dear, priceless, et cetera, et cetera, blah blah blah.  I get it.  But let’s face it, a certain percentage of babies are born with mugs better suited for showing at the Westminster Kennel Club than a suburban mall.  No.  I’m not talking about YOUR BABY.  YOUR BABY is shockingly adorable.  The cutest baby on the planet.  The cutest baby ever to grace the earth.  YOUR BABY emits an ethereal glow of beauty, and indeed, if I may add, a sense of grace.

But I think you’ll agree with me, that at least once or twice you’ve been left speechless after being blindsided by a baby closely resembling Rocky Balboa – after the fight.  Fear no more.  Jack is here with three simple techniques to glide you safely through your next encounter.

Number 1:  Stop.  Remind yourself of the first universal truth of parenthood – Every parent thinks his or her bundle of joy is the Gerber Food Baby.  Not most, every single one.  This means that whatever you say, no matter how patently absurd it may seem to you at the moment, it will be eagerly accepted by the parent.  They’ll lap it up with a spoon.  They’ll start nodding in agreement the minute you begin laying on the baloney.

Number 2.  Go for it.  Lay it on as thick as frosting on a Christmas cake.  Trust me, it’s impossible to overdo it.  Some lady wanders up to you with a baby that looks like a gorilla?  Fire at will: “Wow, she’s the spitting image of the Mona Lisa!”  “Have you considered contacting a baby modeling agent?  This little gem has got a career ahead of her!”  Have at it – you’ve got complete immunity!

Number 3.  Remember the FAILSAFE.  This is the technique you must immediately engage in the event of an actual emergency.  Practice it like an airline pilot practices for an emergency landing.  Here is the scenario: There are cases, although rare, that upon meeting an ugly baby, you are struck absolutely speechless.  Without hesitation, engage the three-step FAILSAFE procedure.  Step 1: Relax.  Do not panic.  Step 2: Continue to breathe as normally as possible.  You will need as much oxygen as you can get in order to improve your odds of surviving the encounter.  Step 3: Lock onto, and embrace the word “sweet.”  Force it through your teeth.  Keep repeating it.  Put it in difference sentences, but don’t stumble or lose focus.  “What a sweet baby.”  “She is so sweet.”  “I can’t believe how sweet she is.”  The more times you repeat it, the easier it becomes.  Then, once enough oxygen has reached your brain and you’re beginning to feel more relaxed, toss in the word “precious.”

Side note:  All of these techniques work equally as well for grandmothers, although use them with caution with grandfathers.  Especially ones named Bud.

That’s the lesson.  Thank goodness, none of this applies to your beautiful baby. What an angel.  Have you considered contacting a baby modeling agent?  You’d make a bundle!

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

China’s Diabolical Panda Plan to Conquer the World

 Humor  Comments Off on China’s Diabolical Panda Plan to Conquer the World
Mar 132014
 

Panda JPG (2)

By Jack Edwards

I’m no conspiracy theorist, and millions of loyal Jocularious readers trust me to limit my reporting on rumors to those which meet a strict standard, otherwise referred to as “marginally reliable.”  That said, I must now break a national, indeed, an international story that will send shockwaves through US-China relations, as well as zoos around the world.

I was waiting like a drugged sheep in a Starbucks line recently trying to score a simple brewed coffee.  (Heresy, yes, I know.)  When I ran into an acquaintance.  He’s from China.  I can’t tell you his name, because in case you haven’t heard, the Chinese use dissidents for spare parts, and he’s perfectly happy with the current location of his liver.  As he sipped on a double, tall, chai latte, with extra foam, he spilled the beans.  It turns out that China has once again played the US for a fool.  His source?  A friend of a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend who knows someone deep inside China’s central government.

Here it is.  You know how China makes a big deal over loaning those giant pandas to the US?  The ones they keep at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., and treat them like they’re Prince William and Princess Kate?  Well, here’s the scandal: They aren’t really giant pandas.  They’re giant albino raccoons.

Sure, I was skeptical too.  Until I investigated further.  I compared photos on Google images of the giant pandas with those of common raccoons.  Low and behold, there is a striking resemblance.

I scheduled a meeting with the Director of Panda Operations at the National Zoo, Dr. Bud McLaughlin.  After I explained my concern, Dr. McLaughlin stood up from behind his desk, and said, and I quote, “Please leave my office, and do not return.”  As security personnel dragged me by my feet from his office, I yelled out my final question: “Do you expect the American people to believe that you’ve got two giant albino raccoons less than two miles from the Chinese Embassy and not believe you’re on China’s payroll?”  No surprise, he refused to answer.

You may ask, ‘Why?’  Why would the Chinese dupe us with a couple of oversized albino raccoons?  Simple, for the same reason people climb mountains, because they’re there.

Let’s evaluate.

First off, the Chinese probably figured that with them duping us economically on a daily basis, this would be a cake walk.  Why give the US a diamond, when they could give us Cubic Zirconia?  Only, big mistake, because Cubic Zirconia is fine if your wife doesn’t find out.  That’s what the US will be when this news breaks – the scorned wife that wasn’t worth the price of the real deal.  The conclusion?  China doesn’t really love us.  In fact, they don’t even like us.

Consider this.  The value of a Giant Panda is, well, priceless.  You couldn’t buy one if you tried.  Bill Gates couldn’t even buy one.  (Unless, of course, he found a Chinese zoo keeper in need of a Bentley and a waterfront vacation home in Shanghai).  The value of a raccoon on the other hand?  In my city, you can trap them at will, and then you’re supposed to “dispatch them” outside city limits.  Heck, I transported three of them out of my backyard last summer.  Of course, I couldn’t bring myself to kill them, so I released them near a stream where I have no doubt they are now happily terrorizing rural residents.

What is the US to do?  What is the appropriate action?  No doubt the State Department is already burning the midnight oil debating this question.  My suggestion?  Present China with a gift of our own.  A bald eagle.  But not just any bald eagle, a bald eagle that’s really just a crow with a shaved head.  As its little feathers begin to grow back, it’ll be “Message Accomplished.”  Point, set, match, the good-ole US of A.

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

 

Whole Foods Market Answer to Xanax

 Humor  Comments Off on Whole Foods Market Answer to Xanax
Mar 062014
 

Whole Foods Final

Life can be stressful.  Thankfully, there are a number of healthful ways to combat this stress, like exercise, eating well, and taking a daily regimen of psychotropic medications.  (FDA approved, of course.)  If we can be certain of anything, we can be certain that the health of the nation is the number one priority of the pharmaceutical industry.  Gotta love those guys.  But as much as I admire the ethics and trust “Big Pharma,” as I affectionately refer to them, I recently stumbled across an alternative.  It may not be for everyone, and it may not even be less expensive, but in the spirit of providing YOU, my faithful readers with OPTIONS, I will now share my recent discovery.

There are a plethora of self-help programs out there, like the one that giant Tony Robbins is always rambling on about.  Everywhere you look people are advertising themselves as “life coaches.”  My discovery, however, has nothing to do with “life coaches.”  (Side note: “Life coach” is code for: I’m lost and confused, but maybe by helping you screw up your life and charging you an outrageous fee, I can finally find myself).  My alternative does not involve fancy programs or life coaches.  My alternative is spending quality time in Whole Foods Markets.  Not buying their produce.  Not eating at their deli.  Just walking around inside them.  I’m not sure if eating organic, sustainable food is any better for you, but I do know that the simple act of walking into a Whole Foods Market makes you feel better about yourself.  Not just as good as everybody else, it makes you feel better – better than everyone who is not shopping at Whole Foods (i.e. the so-called general population).  As you enter carrying your reusable shopping bag, suddenly your posture gets a little better.  You perk up.  You feel alive and engaged.  Try it.  But first, as before engaging in any new activity, you need to stop and take time to learn, understand and appreciate the nomenclature:

  1. Organic.  In the Latin, this translates to, “Wow, this apple has a worm hole in it the size of the Lincoln Tunnel.”
  2. Sustainable.  In the original Greek (not the modernized version), this translates roughly to: “Brace yourself, this asparagus costs four times the price as normal.”

And finally,

  1. Locally sourced.  This is a relatively new term in the American lexicon, and means, “If the cheese maker down the street needs a root canal, guess whose fettuccini alfredo just skyrocketed?”

But never mind all that.  Who can put a price on good mental health?  There is just something about eating a chicken raised in a petting zoo that makes you feel better about yourself.

So there you have it.  The Whole Foods Market alternative to Xanax.  Of course, you don’t have to use the Name Brand.  You can go with the generic:  Trader Joe’s, Nature’s Market, or Tom’s Corner Organic Healthy Stuff Market.  Consumer activists say they are just as effective.  They have the same active ingredient.  At least that’s what they say….  Or, to be on the safe side, you can just go to Whole Foods.

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Like a Starbucks Latte with that Heart Attack?

 Humor  Comments Off on Like a Starbucks Latte with that Heart Attack?
Feb 272014
 

ER Cure

A monumental problem has perplexed citizens of the United States for three decades.  That is, of course, how to find a cup of coffee for under three bucks.  But the Starbucks’ racketeering scheme is not the focus of today’s column.  Today’s column is about hospital emergency rooms.  Let’s begin by breaking down the meaning of the word Emergency. “Emer” which is Latin for, “My spleen has ruptured”, and “gency” which translates in the Greek to, “Can’t this ambulance travel any faster?!”  Every day across America, people stream into hospital emergency rooms who are desperate, in need of help, lost, and in pain.  And the cause of their distress is the hordes of patients demanding their attention.  This has resulted in average wait times of four to six months and bills that rival Nicaragua’s annual gross domestic product.  Let me triage their plight, and identify a comprehensive solution.  Here is the Dr. Edwards’ two-step cure for what ails America’s ERs:

Cure 1.  Eliminate waiting areas.  Get rid of them completely.  Lease the space to Starbucks.  If someone can survive an hour in a waiting area, there is no emergency.  It doesn’t exist.  Instruct the person to vacate the premises immediately.

Cure 2. The average emergency bill is roughly $1,500.  For this, you get a paper gown that exposes your hinny and 4.5 seconds of a bleary-eyed doctor with a vast 14 days’ of experience checking your throat and telling you to go home.  Under the Dr. Edwards’ plan, we will switch to a metered system.  The receptionist slaps an electronic meter around your neck at check-in.  Every time a nurse, doctor, or anyone wearing a smock, actually pays attention to you, they push the meter’s “on” button.  When they walk away from you, they push the “off.”  (Or….. maybe we could put a device on the staff which did this automatically?  Nooooooooo.  Nix that.  Doctors and nurses would be zigzagging around like roller skaters on the rink trying to pick up time.  We go with the neck meter).  You only pay for the attention you get.  You want to improve service?  You want to feel cared for? Medical personal will appear from the woodwork hanging on you from the second you hit the door.  Let’s just say coffee consumption and back room gossip sessions will quickly become a thing of the distant past.

There you have it.  Two simple changes.  They can be implemented as soon as we get Starbucks to lease the empty space.  Then we’ll all be able to afford those $3 coffees.

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Three Simple Steps to Jolt the Winter Olympics Back to Life

 Humor  Comments Off on Three Simple Steps to Jolt the Winter Olympics Back to Life
Feb 202014
 

2018 Winter Olympics

I think I speak for everyone when I say that the winter Olympics have become rather humdrum.  And I also think I speak for everyone when I say the remedy is to return to the fundamentals of good solid entertainment.  And by fundamentals, of course, I mean violence.  In fact, with the exception of women’s hockey, the winter Olympics is virtually devoid of the type of red meat acts of depravity that audiences have come to expect ever since Fred Flintstone clubbed Barney Rubble over the head with a gigantic brontosaurus femur five million television years ago.

I therefore humbly offer my services to the International Olympic Committee.  I won’t even charge them any of the 50 billion it took to stage this year’s games.  (FYI, I could have done it for 49).

Figure Skating.  All of this skating around and twirling to boring music is putting everyone to sleep.  Solution:  Put two competitors on the ice at the same time.  Make them do their routines simultaneously.  Collisions will be unavoidable, and yes, rules will allow skaters to whack each other over the back of the head with a sap as they pass.  Let’s just say that the sequins will fly.  Don’t think for a moment that there isn’t a powder keg of repressed aggression seething under all that chiffon.  Get ready for record breaking viewership.

Ski Jumping.  Right now what do we get?  Each person slides down the slope, takes off and glides smoothly through the air to a clean landing within three microns of each other.  Booooooring.  Solution:  One word – Blindfolds.  Remember the Agony of Defeat guy?  Yeah.  Now settle down.  They’ll figure it out – count in their heads or something so they’ll know when to jump.  There won’t be nearly the carnage that you hope for.  (If we lose too many of them, we can consider using a net).  We’re talking Nielsen gold here.  This has the potential of becoming the world’s number one spectator sport.

Curling.  Don’t think for a moment that this “sport” couldn’t use a swift kick in the ratings.  It’s the Sominex of Olympic events.  Well, just stand back and let Jack slap the electromagnetic paddles on it, and shock it back to life (or I should I say – to life).  Solution (two steps):  One.  No more taking turns.  Teams would go head to head directly across from each other as they attempt to glide their stones (rocks?  Whatever) into the little circle thingy.  Two.  We replace the brooms with spears.  Competitors would be forbidden from poking the other team’s stone with the spears, but they would be allowed, encouraged even, to poke each other.  Let’s see how well those laid back Canadians can aim their rock after a little poke in the keister.

So, as you can see, with only a few simple rule modifications, the 2018 winter Olympics can be a ginormous blockbuster.  Let’s encourage the International Olympic Committee to take the plunge and make Fred Flintstone proud.

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Tips for Lying – Lesson 1

 Humor  Comments Off on Tips for Lying – Lesson 1
Feb 132014
 

Final Fibbing or No

Every major civilization and religion throughout history has frowned on lying.  And I wholeheartedly agreed – generally speaking, that is.  Nevertheless, I was taught that if you are going to do something, do it well.  Take pride in it.  Give it 100%.  It is in this spirit, we begin Lesson 1.

Whether you are 14 or 40, few skills are more important than effectively lying to your parents.  Remember, not everything is about you.  Not everything is about your needs.  There are times when you need to put your parents’ wellbeing ahead of your own.  Is it really going to do them any good to know the real reason you didn’t get home until 3:00 a.m.?  Do they really need that kind of aggravation?  I’m not saying you should lie often, but the occasional white lie, or fib as it were, has its place.  Think of it this way – it’s a win-win.

Tip #1.  When concocting a whopper designed to relieve you from attending school for the day, attention to detail is critical.  For example, never feign illness by simply saying: I think I got food poisoning.  While food poisoning is an excellent choice of illness, because unlike the flu, you can announce later in the day that you have recovered and go out with friends, the lie lacks the necessary specificity.  Your parents are far more likely to believe you, and grant you that much needed day off, if you say instead: I think I got food poisoning from the expired Tuna Helper I ate last night.  This statement directs your parent’s attention away from you, and to the Tuna Helper.  And even if they don’t think the Tuna Helper is the culprit, they will immediately begin painstakingly cataloging everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours.  The key is to get them thinking about anything other than you, and how completely un-food-poisoned you appear.  And also why all your dramatic retching, to put it bluntly, isn’t producing any actual vomit-like substances.

Tip #2. You may have heard the old adage that the three most important things in buying real estate are location, location, location.  A similar principle applies to the delicate art of lying.  Please write this down: “Deny, deny, deny.”  Practical examples:

  1. You are confronted with three eye witnesses accusing you of lying?  Deny, and state emphatically and without hesitation, “They must really hate me.”
  2. You are confronted with incontrovertible video recorded evidence that you are lying?  Deny, and say while scratching your chin in contemplation, “Wow, I guess they really can doctor any electronic recording these days.”
  3. You are confronted with DNA evidence linking you to the scene of a crime?  Deny, and reveal your darkest secret, “I have an identical twin who was stolen at birth.”

Homework (due prior to our next lesson):

Develop and successfully implement a detailed and believable lie which gets you out of attending an unpleasant family function, such as visiting Great Aunt Jennie at the old folks’ home.  Note: Up to half credit available if you are caught lying, but effectively deny it.

Next lesson:  Tried and true methods to land your dream job by lying on your resume.  Bonus material: How to expand on that lie during your interview.

Thank you for enrolling in this course!  Trust me, these techniques really do work.  Would I lie to you?

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Unofficial Yukon Quest Insider’s Guide

 Humor  Comments Off on Unofficial Yukon Quest Insider’s Guide
Jan 232014
 

Quest (2)

By Jack Edwards

I think I speak for everyone, when I say that there are few things in life I enjoy more than watching people suffer.  This is why I am so excited that the Yukon Quest begins in just nine days.  What is the Yukon Quest?  Think NASCAR, except dog sleds for cars.   Watching people suffer at room temperature is one thing, but watching them suffer in subfreezing conditions?  Well, that’s a whole new level of toe curling, “Thank goodness I’m not that guy,” satisfaction.

The Yukon Quest is a 1,000 mile dog sled race between Whitehorse, Yukon, and the Alaskan city named after screen legend Douglas Fairbanks.  The Yukon Quest’s official motto is: “The Iditarod is for sissies!”  The starting point of the race alternates between the two cities.  The rules require that the last musher to begin the race neatly fold and then tuck the starting banner into his sled.  According to one race official, “Sure the last musher usually gripes about it.  But this saves us a bundle in postage getting ready for next year’s race.”

This year’s “insider tip”:

Be on the lookout for Lance Mackey.  (Lance Mackey is the Peyton Manning of sled dog racing.)  Mackey isn’t signed up this year, yet, but here is an insider rumor.  Mackey has stolen one of Amazon’s prototype drones and hatched a diabolical plan.  He’s going to use his “star power” and golden boy charm to convince race organizers to let him sign up for the race at the last minute.  Then he’s going to attach his GPS sled tracker to the pilfered drone.  After that, it’s off to Honolulu for ten days before zipping back to slip onto the trail again and claim the prize.  If you see Brent Sass, Hugh Neff or Allen Moore gazing up into the sky as their sleds fly along the course, it means that the rumor is out.  They’re looking for Mackey’s drone.

Bonus “insider tip”:

Any of you who are interested in signing up for next year’s race can find the entry requirements on the Yukon Quest official website.  The requirements are: 1. You must be at least 18 years old, 2. You much have completed a 200 and a 300 mile race, and 3. You must sign a sworn statement that you will not attach your GPS transponder to an Amazon drone.

Bonus, bonus “insider tip”:

Rumor has it that next year’s Yukon Quest will be sponsored by Amazon.

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Oo-rah! Let’s Hear It for the United States Marines!

 Humor  Comments Off on Oo-rah! Let’s Hear It for the United States Marines!
Jan 162014
 

Oorah Draft (2)

Muscle memory is an amazing phenomenon.  However, they say that by the time a man reaches middle age, while he still has the memory, he no longer has the muscle.  This can lead to embarrassing situations, usually involving ladders.  For example, finding himself dangling from the edge of a gutter screaming like a girl.  Of course, this doesn’t apply to all middle-aged men, for example, it doesn’t apply to me. (Hey, the gutter thing could have happened to anyone!)  And I asked my brother-in-law, Steve, and he told me it doesn’t apply to him either.

I point this out because my niece, Elise, recently completed United States Marine Corp training at Parris Island, South Carolina.  From what I can decipher, the training goes like this.  They take a bunch of recruits and then spend 13 weeks trying to kill them.  It culminates with a little excursion they call The Crucible (Ouch!  Just the name hurts).  After all of this, they take the recruits they didn’t manage to completely kill, and they make them Marines.  And they get to yell, “Oo-rah” a lot.

After considerable soul searching and deep consideration, I have decided to enlist in the United States Marine Corp.  I want to yell “Oorah,” and of course, look down on the other less Marine-ish branches of the service.  Only one thing, I am asking them to make a few adjustments.  I’m sure they’re reasonable people and will meet me half way.

Modification #1.  I haven’t been particularly active over last few years (well, thirty).  And it is my understanding that boot camp requires pushups.  Perhaps I could be allowed to do modified pushups.  You know, the ones where you can leave your knees on the ground?  (No, these are not called “girl pushups.”  Stop being a sexist pig!)

Modification #2.  I can’t think of anywhere I’d need better sleep than during boot camp.  But I understand that everyone sleeps in the same room?  The barracks?  You see, that’s no good for me.  I’m a light sleeper, and I think the snoring that unquestionably goes on would pose a problem.  I don’t think it would benefit me or the Marines if I hit the obstacle course groggy.  Also, it tends to make me grumpy in the morning.  So I’d like to stay at a nearby hotel.  I’d like to say upfront that I am happy to pay for this out of my own pocket.  I’ll leave a standing order for a wakeup call each morning to make sure I’m back on time.  And I’ll take care of my own breakfast.  Hear the savings?  This is a win-win.

Modification #3.  The Marine’s boot camp ends with a final test, “The Crucible.”  A 54 hour nightmare which includes traveling 48 miles by foot while carrying equipment and overcoming daunting physical challenges.  Here’s my concern.  I have back and knee issues.  My doctor recommends that in lieu of jogging, I exercise using low impact ellipticals.  So, I’m happy to complete The Crucible, but I’d like to do it at the gym.  Heads up, this is an issue which we’ll need to keep an eye on during selection for mission deployment.

That’s it.  That’s all I’m asking for.  Yes, it may appear to my fellow recruits that I am “catching a break” or otherwise receiving some perceived “advantage.”  And I understand how this might interfere with group cohesion, which is apparently a big thing with the Marines.  So in exchange for my reasonable modifications, I am willing to agree that after graduation, while I may yell the Marine battle cry, I only get to yell the last syllable.  So no “Oo,” just “rah.”  Are we good?

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

All of the People, All of the Time

 Humor  Comments Off on All of the People, All of the Time
Jan 092014
 

Three People (2)

My bucket list is fairly short.  My number one item, of course, is the same as yours – to enter the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in New York.  In fact, not only to enter it, but win it.  The record is 68 hot dogs in ten minutes.  Child’s play.  The number two item on my list is to interview three people.  No…… Not any three people.  Three people whose audacity has left me speechless.  It doesn’t help my quest that I don’t know their names.  So I am calling on YOU, my millions of loyal readers, to help me identify them.  I want to interview them for a Jocularious.com column before Scott Pelley or that sniveling Piers Morgan get their talons into them.

First is the guy who cooked up the idea of slapping an “L” on a Toyota and calling it a Lexis.  Then tacking $10,000 onto the price of a Camry.  I want to hire that guy.  They probably have a bronze bust of him at Toyota headquarters in Japan.  Possibly a shrine.

Next is the guy who concocted the scheme to reduce the time teenagers have to return merchandise.  Here’s the scoop.  My teenage daughter recently forced me at gun point to take her to the mall.  She wanted some stuff from Forever 21.  After running my card, the Forever 21 clerk asked, “Are you familiar with our return policy?”  (FYI, the phrase “Are you familiar with our return policy?” is code for “We have a really crappy return policy.”)  My daughter turned to me (which is, as I’m sure you can understand, terribly embarrassing for her in public) and explained, “It’s 21 days.  Get it?  Forever 21?  Twenty-one days?”  Yeah, cute.  A really cute way to shave 7 days off a more reasonable 30 day period.

The last guy is the one who came up with charging airline passengers to check a bag.  Not a second bag, any bag.  The first bag!  When he first suggested this in the boardroom, he probably got threatened with immediate beheading.  Picture the chairman’s reaction, “Look, Mr. [Fill-in-the-blank], our customers are travelers.  With the exception of an occasional Al-Qaeda suicide bomber, they all have luggage.”  But this “think outside the box”, “the customer be damned” pioneer did it by golly.  He reached for the stars and achieved the laughably absurd.  He is probably the same guy who later decided to charge extra for an aisle or window seat in coach.  The real mystery is why the airlines haven’t added a “convenience fee” for that smelly seat conveniently located right next to the toilet.  Why they’re still giving ice away is a mystery to me.  And how about that free reading spotlight?

So people, send me these people’s names as soon as possible.  I’m sure Scott Pelley and Piers Morgan have their media bloodhounds out sniffing around for them as we speak.  I need to scratch this item off my bucket list, so I can dive into that stack of 69 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs!

Please take a moment to share!

Click here on Jocularious.com to access Facebook, Twitter and other “share” buttons. Earn good karma!

Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and Jocularious will arrive in your inbox each week.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Check out these great books for gifts:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov

Celebrating Diversity, One Glass of Kombucha at a Time

 Humor  Comments Off on Celebrating Diversity, One Glass of Kombucha at a Time
Jan 022014
 

Kombucha (2)

My New Year’s resolution is to be more tolerant.  I am going to celebrate diversity, even if it makes me vomit.  Case in point, my sister.  I was recently helping her move some stuff out of her car when I came across a bottle filled with yellow liquid.  My first reaction: My sister has turned into one of those urine drinkers.  You have to know my sister.  She puts the “alt” in the term alternative medicine.  I confronted her with the bottle, and she gave me some cover story about it being a concoction called Kombucha.  It’s supposed to be good for your digestive track.  I told her it was okay to admit she was drinking her own urine.  I wouldn’t judge her.  I was going to celebrate diversity this year.  I told her that I might even put one of those annoying bumper stickers on my car.  But she stuck to her story.

I popped out my iPhone and asked Siri to give me the scoop on urine drinkers.  According to Wikipedia, urine may be the best thing since the discovery of aloe vera.  We should be rubbing a little behind our ears each morning.  Urine drinking has a bunch of fancy names.   (Let’s face it.  This is a tough marketing gig.  You’d better have a compelling name to cajole some poor sap into tipping back a glass of this golden elixir). They call it Urine Therapy, Urotherapy, Uropathy, or my favorite, Unrinotherapy.  (It also has an old fashioned name, which I am hesitant to mention because it might seem like I’m being intolerant – Human Waste.)  People use it for both medical and cosmetic purposes, by drinking it and massaging it into their skin.  The pleasant odor is a bonus.  You’ve got to wonder what genius decided to harness The Power of Urine.

As a non-urine drinker, I have a number of questions.  For example, how is it served? Hot like tea?  Cold?  Maybe over ice?  Is it appropriate to doctor it up a little with sugar or perhaps a sprig of mint?  What’s the lunch room etiquette?  Is it okay to pour up a frothy glass in front of coworkers?  Is it ever appropriate to offer a glass of your “homemade” others?  Someone really needs to write a book on this.  They can titled it Urine Drinking Does and Don’ts.

I’m surprised we haven’t heard from the whole recycle-reuse-renew crowd on this.  Where’s Al Gore?  You’d think they’d be jumping all over it like ticks on hound dog.

As for me, I am fully committed to celebrating our differences and keeping an open mind no matter how disgusting the idea may be.  The mere idea sickens me.  It makes me want to vomit my guts out.  But hey, this is the new millennium.  Don’t be a hater.  Keep an open mind, and celebrate these extremely uncomfortable differences.

As for my sister’s suspiciously yellow “Kombucha,” I only have one question for her: Do you drink that hot or cold?

_______

WAIT!  You’re not done yet.  Earn good karma!  Please comment and share on Facebook, Twitter or your other favorite apps.

And Subscribe!

It’s free and easy, and each new Jocularious column will arrive in your inbox.

It’s a Three Minute Vacation for your Brain.

______________________________

Also-

Check out these great books:

The Lawyer’s Song: Navigating the legal wilderness at –

https://buff.ly/2K41Tax

Seven Rules for the College Playground –

https://buff.ly/2IqXxgn

Seven Secrets You Need to Know to Hire the Right Lawyer –

https://buff.ly/2roFIov