My wife and I recently attended a performance of The Barber of Seville at the Kennedy Center. This turned out to be quite a challenge for me because I have a bladder the size of a walnut. My wife had obtained our tickets at a charity auction, and neither of us had been to the […]
There are three rules to getting upgraded to First Class: 1. Get to the gate early. 2. Dress professionally. And 3. Own the airline. Okay, I was just kidding about number 3. You don’t need to own the airline. You only need to be Chairman of the Board of the airline. There is nothing sweeter […]
Oregon has a new law forbidding the use of cellphones while driving. It’s extremely strict. In fact, it’s so strict that even thinking about touching your phone while driving is punishable by death. Okay, maybe not that strict, but darn close. The first offense is a big fat fine. The second offense is a bigger […]
My beautiful daughter bought me a Hydro Flask for my birthday. I was touched by her thoughtfulness – for nearly 24 hours. Then I realized that she had taken the saying, “When you buy a gift, buy something you’d like to have yourself,” a little too far. It dawned on me that she had IN […]
Attention “General Public”: I’m not asking, I’m begging. Unless you are describing a rich, full-bodied South American coffee, please, please, P-L-E-A-S-E, stop using the word robust every five seconds. Cease and desist, people. It’s getting brutal. Let’s stop for a moment and do some research. The Oxford English Dictionary formally defines the word “Robust” as […]
The 2020 presidential election is going to make 2016 look like a 1950’s sock hop. The debate committee is already searching for a venue to hold a mud wrestling match. Michael Buffer, of “Let’s get ready to rumble!” fame, has agreed to announce it. Crazy Jesse Ventura will referee. Of course, this is only after […]
My daughter left on a vacation recently and asked me to spend two weeks picking up poop around my neighborhood. No, she didn’t put it quite that way. She said, “Will you take care of my spoiled dog, Milo?” (I added the word ‘spoiled’ for accuracy.) Now that Milo’s visit has passed, I ordered a […]
When you think of a healthy diet, you think of the same store I do – the health-conscious, grocery boutique called Costco. Nothing says “I’m living a heathy lifestyle” like buying a ham as big as your head. (I have a really large head.) I was in Costco today buying that ham, when it dawned […]
My family was busted for the crime of walking our dog. We were at Silver Falls State Park in Oregon. We hadn’t got 50 feet down the trail before the ranger was on us like stink on a monkey. We vehemently claimed our innocence; however, the ranger grilled us about a sign we had walked […]
I have never felt so close to the TSA as I did when they required me to undergo an “enhanced” search to board a flight to, of all places, Omaha. I’m not saying that the TSA agent did anything wrong. But, to describe the search in high school terms, by the time he finished, he […]