I recently entered a new phase of my midlife crisis. 

No, I’m not buying a motorcycle.  (I think you have to be an organ donor for that.)

No, I’m not jumping out of a plane.

NO, I’m not appearing on Naked and Afraid. 

Those things are pedestrian, even mundane.

I’m throwing caution to the wind –

I am drinking TAP water! 

(I should point out that I do not live in Flint…  Hey, I’m not suicidal.)

Let me now shift back to reality –

Who came up with this bottled water insanity?  My guess is the Evil Nestle Corporation, but keep in mind that my guess is always the Evil Nestle Corporation.  I blame them for nearly everything.  Everything, that is, except those tasty Toll House Cookies.  God bless you, Evil Nestle Corporation.

Yes, there are places where the water tastes like crap (like Los Angeles).  But it’s perfectly fine over most of this Great Land we call the good ‘ole US of A.  Be that as it may, if you dare raise a glass of tap water to your lips, you risk a concerned citizen diving on you to save you from that liquid poison like a war hero diving on a grenade.

And we don’t just drink bottled water.  We drink bottled water from Fiji! 

            and Italy –

          and France –

            And Iceland –

            It has to be “perfectly” pH balanced –

            It’s got to be Zen –

It hit me if that if we’re importing all this fancy water from around the world, we should start exporting ours back.

[Drumroll]

Introducing: Lewis and Clark pH Balanced Water!  Bottled straight from the source!  (We won’t mention “the source” is the Portland Municipal Water District.)  They’re going absolutely LOVE it in France!