Every major civilization and religion throughout history has frowned on lying. And I wholeheartedly agreed – generally speaking, that is. Nevertheless, I was taught that if you are going to do something, do it well. Take pride in it. Give it 100%. It is in this spirit, we begin Lesson 1.
Whether you are 14 or 40, few skills are more important than effectively lying to your parents. Remember, not everything is about you. Not everything is about your needs. There are times when you need to put your parents’ wellbeing ahead of your own. Is it really going to do them any good to know the real reason you didn’t get home until 3:00 a.m.? Do they really need that kind of aggravation? I’m not saying you should lie often, but the occasional white lie, or fib as it were, has its place. Think of it this way – it’s a win-win.
Tip #1. When concocting a whopper designed to relieve you from attending school for the day, attention to detail is critical. For example, never feign illness by simply saying: I think I got food poisoning. While food poisoning is an excellent choice of illness, because unlike the flu, you can announce later in the day that you have recovered and go out with friends, the lie lacks the necessary specificity. Your parents are far more likely to believe you, and grant you that much needed day off, if you say instead: I think I got food poisoning from the expired Tuna Helper I ate last night. This statement directs your parent’s attention away from you, and to the Tuna Helper. And even if they don’t think the Tuna Helper is the culprit, they will immediately begin painstakingly cataloging everything you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours. The key is to get them thinking about anything other than you, and how completely un-food-poisoned you appear. And also why all your dramatic retching, to put it bluntly, isn’t producing any actual vomit-like substances.
Tip #2. You may have heard the old adage that the three most important things in buying real estate are location, location, location. A similar principle applies to the delicate art of lying. Please write this down: “Deny, deny, deny.” Practical examples:
- You are confronted with three eye witnesses accusing you of lying? Deny, and state emphatically and without hesitation, “They must really hate me.”
- You are confronted with incontrovertible video recorded evidence that you are lying? Deny, and say while scratching your chin in contemplation, “Wow, I guess they really can doctor any electronic recording these days.”
- You are confronted with DNA evidence linking you to the scene of a crime? Deny, and reveal your darkest secret, “I have an identical twin who was stolen at birth.”
Homework (due prior to our next lesson):
Develop and successfully implement a detailed and believable lie which gets you out of attending an unpleasant family function, such as visiting Great Aunt Jennie at the old folks’ home. Note: Up to half credit available if you are caught lying, but effectively deny it.
Next lesson: Tried and true methods to land your dream job by lying on your resume. Bonus material: How to expand on that lie during your interview.
Thank you for enrolling in this course! Trust me, these techniques really do work. Would I lie to you?
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