Like you, I have been watching too much tv lately.  And now that all the dead people have finally mailed in their ballots for “Good ‘ole Joe,” Wolf Blitzer can get back to hyperventilating over Covid-19.  This is important, because after a mere two million hours of coverage, the media is sensing that we, the viewing public, are still clamoring for more.  And, of course, we are…

NOT!

Nevertheless, we continue to watch.  Why?  Because we’re Americans, damn it!  And that’s what we do.  We watch tv!  Not like those godless communists who sit around the kitchen table all night chain-smoking and plotting subversive ways to overthrow our government from within, otherwise known as the … huh, never mind.

If you have been watching all the minute-by-minute updates on Covid-19, you know that there are three ways to identify the beginning of another wave of the virus:

1. The number of people testing positive.

2. The number of people requiring hospitalization,

And, of course, the most accurate warning sign –

3. The number of rolls of toilet paper flying off the shelves. 

Coal miners used to take canaries down into the mines with them as a precaution.  The presence of carbon monoxide would quickly kill the canaries and give the (heartless) miners (AKA “canary murderers”) enough time to get the H, E, double toothpicks out of there.

Well, toilet paper is the canary of 2020.  In fact, I’ve begun a Kickstarter Campaign to raise money for my new toilet paper company, Tweet-Tweet Toilet Paper.  And because of the tremendous devastation this virus has caused so many Americans, a percentage of every roll sold will be donated to help the families of all those canaries who tragically lost their lives.  [For potential investors’ eyes only!  DO Not read further if you are NOT going to be an investor!  — That percentage will be .0000001%.  Who do they think we are, suckers?)

Go to TweetTweetToiletPaper.com to learn more about his exciting opportunity.  And, like the political operatives always say, “Never let a tragedy go to waste!”

A practical word to the wise-

When another coronavirus wave hits, and you find yourself too late to the toilet paper aisle, use the simple technique I use.  I call it the “Redneck Bidet.”  All you need is a backyard hose and a towel.  (And “thank you” ahead of time, for being so sustainable.)