My bucket list is fairly short. My number one item, of course, is the same as yours – to enter the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in New York. In fact, not only to enter it, but win it. The record is 68 hot dogs in ten minutes. Child’s play. The number two item on my list is to interview three people. No…… Not any three people. Three people whose audacity has left me speechless. It doesn’t help my quest that I don’t know their names. So I am calling on YOU, my millions of loyal readers, to help me identify them. I want to interview them for a Jocularious.com column before Scott Pelley or that sniveling Piers Morgan get their talons into them.
First is the guy who cooked up the idea of slapping an “L” on a Toyota and calling it a Lexis. Then tacking $10,000 onto the price of a Camry. I want to hire that guy. They probably have a bronze bust of him at Toyota headquarters in Japan. Possibly a shrine.
Next is the guy who concocted the scheme to reduce the time teenagers have to return merchandise. Here’s the scoop. My teenage daughter recently forced me at gun point to take her to the mall. She wanted some stuff from Forever 21. After running my card, the Forever 21 clerk asked, “Are you familiar with our return policy?” (FYI, the phrase “Are you familiar with our return policy?” is code for “We have a really crappy return policy.”) My daughter turned to me (which is, as I’m sure you can understand, terribly embarrassing for her in public) and explained, “It’s 21 days. Get it? Forever 21? Twenty-one days?” Yeah, cute. A really cute way to shave 7 days off a more reasonable 30 day period.
The last guy is the one who came up with charging airline passengers to check a bag. Not a second bag, any bag. The first bag! When he first suggested this in the boardroom, he probably got threatened with immediate beheading. Picture the chairman’s reaction, “Look, Mr. [Fill-in-the-blank], our customers are travelers. With the exception of an occasional Al-Qaeda suicide bomber, they all have luggage.” But this “think outside the box”, “the customer be damned” pioneer did it by golly. He reached for the stars and achieved the laughably absurd. He is probably the same guy who later decided to charge extra for an aisle or window seat in coach. The real mystery is why the airlines haven’t added a “convenience fee” for that smelly seat conveniently located right next to the toilet. Why they’re still giving ice away is a mystery to me. And how about that free reading spotlight?
So people, send me these people’s names as soon as possible. I’m sure Scott Pelley and Piers Morgan have their media bloodhounds out sniffing around for them as we speak. I need to scratch this item off my bucket list, so I can dive into that stack of 69 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs!
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